A snake-oil marketer’s advice on how to use Twitter for business
By Alexandra Reid
There are many people out there “doing Twitter” for business which is encouraging other people to “do Twitter” for business too. As Twitter is still relatively new, a lot of these people don’t have the slightest clue of what they should really do to grow a community that is engaged around their brands. To get some help, they turn to a snake oil marketer who sells them a “secret formula for Twitter success.” The package includes an automation system equipped with full spamming capabilities, auto-follow and sure-fire steps for shameless self-promotion. They are instructed to blast hyperbolic, unsolicited promotional material, use @Reply and Direct Messages to spam their following and otherwise demonstrate to the Twittersphere that they are, beyond any doubt, anti-social robots.
Want to get people to click the “unfollow” button fast? Want a short-term, low-interest Twitter following? How about a very bad reputation with little chance of recovery? Follow these simple unsteps from the snake oil marketer.
1. Be an anti-social robot spammer
Nothing screams, “I’m anti-social” like an automated Direct Message. If you’re really keen on putting off your followers, construct an automated Direct Message like, “have a Rockstar Day, drink Rockstar,” or “check out my Facebook marketing page.” These are both real messages sent to me by followers that resulted in instant unfollows with no chance of refollowing. For an extra layer of spam jam, you could also send untargeted DM’s of links to your products and services.
2. Show people how much you don’t care
If you really want to limit your chances of socializing, chose an avatar that says, “I’m a weirdo.” If you’re using a picture of your face, make sure it looks tired, crooked and uninterested. Having the eyes half closed or the mouth frozen in mid-sentence can go a long way in ranking you at the top of the anti-social list. If you’re using a business logo, stretch it till it’s fuzzy and then crop it poorly to make it seem like you don’t know what you’re doing, and therefore by default, what you’re talking about. Also, always use the default Twitter background. Using services such as Themeleon are a waste of time.
Build up a really bad reputation for your brand by Retweeting the same poorly-crafted automated messages on a time schedule. If you’re Tweeting a sponsored link, be sure to not tell anybody as to increase the chances of them clicking on it and bouncing back from the site. After all, nothing says, “I’m a thought-leader who cares about your business” more than sharing generic information and leading your followers to spammy or unsecure sites.
3. Tout your own horn like you’re a one-person marching band
Talking solely about yourself is repulsive in any social situation, so what better way is there to turn off your Twitter following than to shamelessly talk about yourself? Talking to people about their interests doesn’t sell your products and services, right? Neither do pointing out or promoting interesting advancements and achievements of other businesses and individuals in your marketplace or community. So why bother? Your marketing dollars should be spent wisely on packing your Twitterstream with automated messages about your own business’s achievements. Every nice Tweet written about you should also be Retweeted so it shows up in your Twitterstream so you can trick your followers into thinking you’re popular.
When you talk about yourself, don’t ask questions or offer advice. Only talk about your products and services. If you absolutely must share something personal, make sure you take up space in the Twitterstream with something boring like the weather in your city, what you had for breakfast or a generic greeting like “good morning Twitterverse!” Personable messages take time and engaging your following is never worth the ROI. If you come across some good information from another source, Retweet it without giving credit. The person will never know you stole their material anyways.
4. Ignore people if they reach out to you
If someone reaches out to your business on Twitter about a problem with your products or services, you should ignore them and pretend it never happened. If you further the discussion on Twitter, others will know that you acknowledge that your business is having problems. If you ignore it, people will stop talking about it completely. If the regular person who answered Twitter messages is away sick or on holiday, it offers you justification to ignore it until he or she gets back. If you are forced to respond, it is wise to spend a few days choosing the exact words to craft the perfect answer to the problem. Say something like, “we are looking into it,” or “call our toll-free business number for service,” or “visit our website for answers.” Never say you are sorry because you will admit fault. Never offer a discount or a refund because you will lose money.
Of course, as I said at the beginning of the post, this is advice from the snake oil marketer, not inmedia. Here, we advise our clients to do the exact opposite, to reach out to their followers, build communities and engage them daily with interesting information from their marketplace, other Twitter users (with credit), and only occasionally from their own businesses. However, businesses are really following the snake oil marketer’s advice! I see it every day and am repulsed by it, which is why I felt it necessary to write this post. I’ll write up another about what business should really do if they want to be successful on Twitter at a later date.
Photo: Conversation Marketing
